You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
