You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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