The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
