Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
