It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
