Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
