i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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