No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
