Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
