I'm going to rape someone's good day.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
