you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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