just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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