It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
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I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
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We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?