My liver just broke up with me...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
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You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
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Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.