I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
