filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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