I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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