The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
