Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
