Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
