thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
