i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
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Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
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I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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