No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
