put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
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If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
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While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!