Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Randomize
