my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
