started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
So much rum. So many feels.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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