I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
