GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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