TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
