Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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