So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Come on in and take your pants off
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