Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
