my sisters under your porch take her home
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
