I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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