It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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