My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
why is half of my head shaved?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
