I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
