i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
