Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
