he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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