so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
