I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
