broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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