I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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