I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Pooping to opera.
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