I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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