got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Less talking, more tequila
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
