The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
