So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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