If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
