You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
do nipples grow back?
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