my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
