Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
