see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
