I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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