As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
